Lately it seems that all my thoughts are just jumbled and I can't do anything about it everything is just chaotic right now I am just so frustrated and its starting to show I just want things to be the way they were before all of this happened sometimes it feels like I'm all alone in a room just screaming my head off and nobody can hear me and I feel helpless and powerless and it aggravates me more the things I used to want don't even matter anymore so much has happened in the last year that I honestly have no idea how everything hasn't fell apart sometimes I feel like that everything happens for a reason but then again does it? Is this all just happening to make me realize how alone i feel and how sometimes it seems like I'm the only person on my side I can't explain why I feel the way I do I just want it to go away I want to be the person they want me to be but sometimes it feels like I can't and for some reason I am so irritated because I try so hard and nothing works! I just don't know what to do at this point I feel like I'm in a small room and its just closing in on me every second and it makes it hard for me to breathe it really scares me sometimes how I'm feeling I just don't know.

Full Circle

So i feel as if i have came full circle in this on and off again relationship like from the start i loved him more than anything he was my everything then it went to me almost hating him when all the drama went down to loving him but not quite giving him all of my heart again to finally just accepting the fact that this relationship isnt gonna work because he has to get his life straightened out before anything can happen i do love him and im sure that i always will but the reality is that maybe hes not the one for me i really dont know at the moment but im open to finding the right one when its time if that ever happens if not then ill be fine to i need to focus on me and school for a while before anything because thats whats going to help me succeed in life not a man i dont need a man to make me happy i can be happy just being me for a change

If we were a movie youd be the right guy...

So good news The one person ive wanted to talk to for the last month finally contacted me last night its kind of an eye opener for me because we talked for at least 3 hours just talking about what we missed most the thing i miss the most about him is how when he was asleep hed pull me close to him and just lay there with his arms wrapped around me and every morning when hed wake up before i would hed pull me really close and whispher he loved me, i miss his smile and his eyes i miss his smell i miss him i cant help it he was everything to me for so long then everything fell apart and now im starting to think that maybe everythings getting back on track again i wish things were how they were at first but maybe this is what we needed to make the other see just what they were missing because i love him with all my heart though sometimes i dont think he knows it,theres just something telling me that maybe hes the right guy for me i can look past everything thats happened in the last month or so and just be happy with him if my family were to accept it which i know they wont so i cant tell them i know its crazy to think that we can come out stronger after everything thats happened lately but im willing to give it a shot i just need to be honest with him about a couple things from my past but i really love him i hope things can work out for the better, i havent found anybody who makes me happy like he did i really love him i know its stupid but honestly i can look past everything thats happened in the last month just to work it out with him i cant understand why i wanna be with him so bad i love him so much.

So many things i dont understand

So as i am coming to terms with the fact that he wants nothing to do with me it seems as if things arent going my way even still it seems as if the one place i felt that i truly belonged isnt where im supposed to be at all it seems as if everytime i get happy something happens and screws it up and right now i dont even know what to think or feel because all i can feel is the hurt and pain from the way everything happened the last month because i have so many good memories with him he seemed so happy i guess even i was fooled because he wasnt he was just out for himself he cared nothing about my feelings and that honestly is the hardest part of this all is knowing he lied to me and he never cared i wish it had all turned out different then it has sometimes i feel like my life is just a big train wreck and that im on a track to nowhere i dont fit in anywhere i feel as if i dont belong anywhere and i feel so confused somewhere deep inside theres somethin tellin me that ill find the right guy someday but then another part of me is saying that theres no right guy out there because maybe im not meant to fall in love all i really want is to find a man who loves me and i love and someone who can be happy just being together and to just settle down everybody always tells me im so young and that i need to go out and live my life well its not that easy i want to settle down i wanna marry the man of my dreams why is that so much to ask of life i dont get it

Moving Forward and Backwards

I thought i could move on, i thought i was over all of this but everyday it gets harder to get up and force a smile when all i can think about is what went wrong and wish things couldve been different and wish that you cared or wonder if you ever cared the way you said you did you tore my heart out of my chest and im supposed to be just perfectly fine and happy when inside im crying wondering what happened to all the good times and wonder why you did the things you did to me i loved you wholeheartedly and truly and all you cared about was your own selfish thoughts you hurt the one person who would do anything for you and would stay by your side through it all and it hurts to say that you dont even care anymore you just dropped me like a toy when you were bored it hurts to say that its over i wish things were different than they are all i can do is keep moving forward maybe someday ill get over all of this but what hurts me the most is when i came to get my things you wouldnt even face me you tried to have me arrested i dont understand all of this but i guess im not meant to.

The "Right Guy" Stigma.

All ive ever wanted is just to be happy but somewhere along the line i stopped being happy ive forgotten what it even feels like to be happy ive been so wrapped up in making sure everyone else was happy that i forgot about myself,My whole life ive heard that one day youll meet the right guy and he'll sweep you off your feet and youll be so in love well im starting to think thats a whole lotta bullcrap because it seems as if the right guy for me DOESNT exist and if he doesnt exist then im just gonna go through life dating all these losers who dont give a damn about my feelings i THOUGHT i had met the right guy for me he was everything i wanted...at first,I moved in with him then everything changed he was leaving me to be with his buddies and smoking pot behind my back everything was falling apart right before our eyes but we didnt wanna face facts he started leaving me home more and more and being gone longer and longer then the day of my grandpas funeral visitation he dropped a bomb on me sayin i needed to move home until he could get a better apartment i shouldve seen it coming then but i didnt he gave me only $35 to make it over a hundred miles to even get home and when i ran outta gas on the interstate and walked to the hospital to call him he wouldnt even answer his phone i called my dad to come get me and i just cried the whole way home i didnt understand what was going on because everything seemed so perfect just the night before boy was i wrong i got to my grandmothers house and everything was fine the first two days or so then he started just ignoring my calls and texts and wouldnt call me back after he said he would i shouldve expected it to be over then but i STILL thought everything was going to be fine and yet again the whole time i was there he ignored me completely. Fast forward about a week i get home and i finally call him on the house phone and his sister answered not knowing who it was and she told me that he was done and that i shouldve cooked and cleaned and i didnt understand where that was coming from because i did cook and clean every night i took care of him thats how much i loved him i wanted it to work so bad anyways i talked to him and he just kept repeating that we moved to fast and didnt know what he wanted we decided to work on things and be together once again i expected things to be alright between us but as im learning the hard way nothing is going to be alright between us because hes not even making an effort to work things out its all one sided and im starting to think there is no such thing as the "Right Guy" at least maybe not for me it seems every guy ive met is all the same its all a one sided deal i cant explain the hurt that i feel, something tells me that maybe just maybe im not meant to be happy or even get married and you know what thats fine with me im over it i realize nobody is perfect and everybody has flaws but i just want somebody who is gonna love me for me not what they cant get out of me or when its convenient for them.

Engagement is off.

Well my engagement is off, he had me move home with my parents under the pretense of getting a better apartment for us and as soon as i got to missouri for the funeral of my grandpa everything was fine he still wanted me to be his fiancee and wanted to start over then he started ignoring my calls and texts and i havent heard from him since then i told him since he obviously didnt wanna talk to me that i would be down in a few days to get the rest of my stuff and give him his back i have no idea whats going on i just know that i gotta go down to duncan to get my stuff and hopefully have a conversation with him and figure out whats going on with this whole situation ive been crying for a week over this i have no idea what to think anymore guys confuse me.