Full Circle

So i feel as if i have came full circle in this on and off again relationship like from the start i loved him more than anything he was my everything then it went to me almost hating him when all the drama went down to loving him but not quite giving him all of my heart again to finally just accepting the fact that this relationship isnt gonna work because he has to get his life straightened out before anything can happen i do love him and im sure that i always will but the reality is that maybe hes not the one for me i really dont know at the moment but im open to finding the right one when its time if that ever happens if not then ill be fine to i need to focus on me and school for a while before anything because thats whats going to help me succeed in life not a man i dont need a man to make me happy i can be happy just being me for a change

If we were a movie youd be the right guy...

So good news The one person ive wanted to talk to for the last month finally contacted me last night its kind of an eye opener for me because we talked for at least 3 hours just talking about what we missed most the thing i miss the most about him is how when he was asleep hed pull me close to him and just lay there with his arms wrapped around me and every morning when hed wake up before i would hed pull me really close and whispher he loved me, i miss his smile and his eyes i miss his smell i miss him i cant help it he was everything to me for so long then everything fell apart and now im starting to think that maybe everythings getting back on track again i wish things were how they were at first but maybe this is what we needed to make the other see just what they were missing because i love him with all my heart though sometimes i dont think he knows it,theres just something telling me that maybe hes the right guy for me i can look past everything thats happened in the last month or so and just be happy with him if my family were to accept it which i know they wont so i cant tell them i know its crazy to think that we can come out stronger after everything thats happened lately but im willing to give it a shot i just need to be honest with him about a couple things from my past but i really love him i hope things can work out for the better, i havent found anybody who makes me happy like he did i really love him i know its stupid but honestly i can look past everything thats happened in the last month just to work it out with him i cant understand why i wanna be with him so bad i love him so much.

So many things i dont understand

So as i am coming to terms with the fact that he wants nothing to do with me it seems as if things arent going my way even still it seems as if the one place i felt that i truly belonged isnt where im supposed to be at all it seems as if everytime i get happy something happens and screws it up and right now i dont even know what to think or feel because all i can feel is the hurt and pain from the way everything happened the last month because i have so many good memories with him he seemed so happy i guess even i was fooled because he wasnt he was just out for himself he cared nothing about my feelings and that honestly is the hardest part of this all is knowing he lied to me and he never cared i wish it had all turned out different then it has sometimes i feel like my life is just a big train wreck and that im on a track to nowhere i dont fit in anywhere i feel as if i dont belong anywhere and i feel so confused somewhere deep inside theres somethin tellin me that ill find the right guy someday but then another part of me is saying that theres no right guy out there because maybe im not meant to fall in love all i really want is to find a man who loves me and i love and someone who can be happy just being together and to just settle down everybody always tells me im so young and that i need to go out and live my life well its not that easy i want to settle down i wanna marry the man of my dreams why is that so much to ask of life i dont get it